Today is "National Coming Out" Day. There was a huge march in Washington, D.C., and from what I've seen, it was a beautiful day in our nation's capital. I watched some of the speeches on C-Span, and the crowd shots were very colorful--lots of rainbow flags, and tons of signs and banners. The speeches were passionate, and the message that was repeated over and over again was this: "It's time NOW. Time for equality for every citizen in this country. It's up to every one of us to work for equality at every level--city, state, national. Yes, it's up to us." I get goosebumps just typing that--the speakers were just so passionate, and their voices are still resonating with me. Carrying those thoughts with me to the computer, I have a message for my straight allies.We need your help.
We need you to speak out for us, to confront the bigotry when you encounter it, and to be supportive of us and our relationships. When you hear how perverted "those people" are, when you hear that "those gays just want special rights", and when you hear that "marriage is only between a man and a woman", I do want you to be confrontational. Kill them with kindness, but ask your friend to explain to you how THEIR marriage will be undermined by allowing gays to marry. Ask them what "special rights" the gays are asking for: the right to be with a loved one when they die? The right to care for a loved one if they're sick? The right to serve their country in the military? The right to work at a job without fear of being fired? The right to be themselves without someone hurting or killing them for that? The right to live the same life as anyone else in the United States?
Fill the silence you will undoubtedly encounter with some facts. Like this one: in the vast majority of states, you can still be fired for being gay. Or, talk about
Hate Crime Laws: Twenty-Nine states and the District of Columbia have hate crime laws that protect people based on sexual orientation. Of these, only seven and DC include protections based on gender identity or expression. |
 |
Transgender Inclusive Hate Crime Laws
Or tell your friends, families, co-workers that you know gay people. Tell them about what you know about our lives, our families, our relationships. Personalize "gay" for them. I promise to do the same. Starting now. This is my story. Most of you know that for over 40 years, I thought I was straight. I was married for 23 years, and have two fantastic children. I don't regret being married, and I will tell you quite truthfully that I did not know I was a lesbian until after my divorce. I did have crushes on other girls when I was growing up, but didn't give it much thought, and if asked, I would have said it was nothing--just a phase maybe. I knew I was supposed to grow up, get married, and have kids. Anything else was not an option. After my divorce, I did a lot of thinking. I had a chance to think about me--who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, what kind of person I might want to be with. I thought about my life so far, when I was happiest, and who I liked to spend time with. I felt free to think for the first time since I was a teenager, and certain people, certain situations, certain feelings kept jumping out at me. It was scary and yet liberating. It's no accident that I got to know Karen--mutual friends asked her to come for a visit, and we were able to spend some time together. I fell in love with her--truly, madly, deeply--but also came to the conclusion that I was, without a doubt, gay. There's no other way to describe it; I just felt "right" in my body for the first time ever. Nobody can convince me that I am anything else but a lesbian--no religious leader, no politician, no medical person, no family member, no talk show host--nobody. I vowed never to "live in the closet"; I have always been a pretty open person, and I "am who I am". The first few months of our relationship, I had to lie, and I hated it, hated the burden and the pressure. I am truly blessed to have family and friends who have supported my decision and who still unconditionally love me. I know I'm fortunate--I have heard too many stories of people who are gay and who are abandoned by those they love, who lose children and jobs and homes because of who they are. It's not only tragic, but it's stupid. Think about who YOU have fallen in love with; does what gender they are make you love them any differently? It's chemistry, pure and simple. Here's where it gets frustrating for me. As a straight person, I took for granted all those rights and privileges I had. The two of us went and got a marriage license. The marriage was recognized in all 50 states, and in every country we visited. I was automatically on his health insurance plan, we got auto insurance, rented an apartment in lower rent married student housing, and had children who have birth certificates with both of our names on them--no questions asked. If he had been in the military, I would have lived in subsidized housing, and been entitled to certain benefits as a military spouse. Wherever we went, I was introduced as his spouse, and he could talk about me to colleagues, and display photos of his family on his desk. I never, ever once considered how another person would react if I talked about my male boyfriend or spouse. I cannot imagine loving anyone else the way I love Karen. Because of her and the relationship we have, I am happier than I have ever been. I am blissfully (and some would say, sappily) aware of how she makes me feel. She makes me a better person. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I want to be married to her. My church will recognize our union, but my state and my country will not. We could go through the motions, and maybe we will, but it will be a ceremony with no legal impact--we will have none of those rights I took for granted when I got married the first time. If I get sick, Karen will not be allowed to make decisions for me, will not be allowed to visit me, unless I have legal documents drawn up which specifically give her those rights. We have separate health insurance policies, and every time I go to a doctor, I must tell them I am gay and that Karen is my partner. They have every right to ignore that and exclude her from medical information. We do not own a home together. We do not have auto insurance together--our separate policies cost much more than a joint policy would. We do not have survivor-ship rights to Social Security, and if one of us leaves something to the other in our will, the survivor will pay hefty taxes. We are fortunate that our places of employment accept our relationship, and I even have photos of her on my desk. For the most part, I can speak openly about our relationship at work, but a couple of co-workers do not know, and I censure myself when I speak to them. I do try to live as openly as possible, but am very cautious when meeting people at my health club, and various organizations I belong to. I don't touch Karen much in public, and there are certain places in town where any physical display of affection would be dangerous; we would be subject to verbal abuse at the very least. Can you imagine? Someone wanting to hurt you because of who you loved? Having to hide who you are because certain segments of society will react so negatively? Gay kids and adults kill themselves every day because of who they are, who they love. It's time to stand up and say, "Enough is enough." Because, as Lt. Daniel Choi said today, "Love is worth it." |
