I have been writing this sermon,
in my head, since November 9
th.
For
me, the results of the elections, from president all the way down to state
representative, were devastating—a real blow to the gut. That morning, I found
myself unable to even get out of bed—my mind was racing, thinking of all the
things that would not happen. And then, I thought of all the things that could
and WOULD happen. I cried.
As
I laid there and considered a different future, I did what I always seem to
do—I thought about the things that were good in my life. I have a loving,
supportive group of family and friends. I live in a safe and tolerant
community, and the leaders of this community believe in equality for all. And, I
belong to a church community that is amazing. Reflecting on that, I did feel
better.
So,
I got up, and went to my computer. I checked my e-mail, and then went to
Facebook. Oh. My. Goodness. It was like opening a floodgate, with pain and
anguish and fear flowing out from all over the globe.
Yes,
it was a tough few days; I went from stasis to anger to despair back to stasis,
and that’s how my loved ones were reacting too.
I
have never needed to come to church so much as I needed to that Sunday. I
needed to be with this community, with this congregation of souls. It was like
being covered by a blanket of love—every hug, every word, every little person I
got to play with that day—every act uplifted me. And I hoped I was doing some comforting
that day too; funny how reaching out to someone else makes you feel better too.
I
wish all my loved ones could have been with me that day. I know they need a
blanket of love too.
Looking
back on that day, and so many days that have come after that, I kept thinking
about those words that are said at the beginning of every commercial airplane
flight:
“In
the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the panels above your seat will open,
and oxygen masks will drop down. If this happens, place the mask over your nose
and mouth, and adjust it as necessary. Be sure to adjust your own mask before
helping others.”
Because that’s exactly what has been
happening—we have been taking care of one another. When we have felt like we
are on solid ground, we have been turning to others, helping them find a
foothold, helping them find their own “oxygen mask”. And if my day is hard,
people have been helping me.
Empathy.
We have had empathy for one another.
And oh how I wish we ALL had empathy
for one another.
Empathy, as defined by
Merriam-Webster is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being
sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experiences of another. Being aware of and sharing another person’s feelings,
experiences, and emotions.
Empathy is more action-oriented than
sympathy. We can be “sorry for your loss”, but sometimes it takes US
experiencing a loss ourselves before we can truly understand what loss means.
It’s interesting to note that the word “empathy” entered the English language a
few centuries after the word “sympathy”. I’m not sure why that is, but perhaps
we have to evolve to a certain level in able to feel compassion for one
another?
In the book Why Empathy Matters
J. D. Trout remarks, “Empathy’s local
reach may have served humans well when neighbors in need were right before us…but
now we live in a vast land encompassing a diverse population with people not
like us, all in one nation.” Was it
easier to feel for our neighbor when we could see they were starving, or being physically
denied housing? Was it easier to
empathize when our neighbors looked like us, worshipped the way we did,
answered to the same boss?
I think it was.
I think it is.
When I was on the local school
board, I was always amazed at the parents who would speak to us, concerned
about X Y or Z. For instance, why couldn’t they park in front of the
school to wait for their child every day? It was just easier than parking and
getting out and meeting their child at the door! They just could not understand
that their parking, in the bus lane, was causing a problem for at least 50
other people. I called them “tree people”; people who were so focused on their one
tree, they missed the whole forest, the wider community. My fear is that as our society becomes more
complex, with all different varieties of people, we will find it easier to
focus on our “trees”, instead of the whole “forest”. And, I fear we will elect
representatives who will also be short-sighted, lacking empathy. I witnessed
this a few years ago during the debate about the Affordable Care Act. There
were at least two town hall meetings, sponsored by the local Tea Party. I went
to both of them, and I was astounded by those who maintained that we didn’t
need the Affordable Care Act because our local churches “would take care of
their own”. That’s an actual quote: “We
will take care of our own.” The implausibility of that statement, plus the
total lack of empathy exhibited by the speaker, still astounds me. It just
didn’t occur to them that there weren’t enough churches, temples, mosques, or
synagogues in the entire country to sufficiently “take care of their own”. Or
that there were people who needed affordable health care and who did not go to
church. There was a total lack of the ability to “walk in another’s shoes”.
And, I fear this, as a nation, is who
we are becoming.
More than half of us cared so little
for the rest that they couldn’t bother to vote. They were so lacking in empathy
that they chose to stay home rather than to vote for those who have no vote…no
voice—children, the disabled, the immigrant.
Because of this, we have elected a
president who has taken our ability to empathize away from us. Instead of a
more small “d” democratic society, where we work for one another, the man who
will take office on Friday was elected in part for his promise that “I” will do
it for “You”. The problem is, he’s probably the least compassionate, least
empathetic president that we’ve elected in our lifetimes, and therefore he will
never be able to know what another person truly needs. I watched President
Obama’s Farewell Address this week, and listened to him “spell this out without
spelling it out”. The man who currently holds the office recognizes his
successor’s weakness, and wants us to be aware of it too. As President Obama
said in his farewell address:
“But
we’re not where we need to be. All of us have more work to do. After all, if
every economic issue is framed as a struggle between a hard-working white
middle class and undeserving minorities, then workers of all shades will be
left fighting for scraps while the wealthy withdraw further into their private
enclaves…Going forward, we must uphold laws against discrimination…That’s what
our Constitution and highest ideals require. But laws alone won’t be enough. Hearts
must change. If our democracy is to work in this increasingly diverse nation,
each one of us must try to heed the advice of one of the great characters in
American fiction, Atticus Finch, who said, You never really understand a person
until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin
and walk around in it.”
It’s like the President was writing
my sermon for me!
He goes on to say:
“For
blacks and other minorities, it means tying our own struggles for justice to
the challenges that a lot of people in this country face—the refugee, the
immigrant, the rural poor, the transgender American, and also the middle-aged
white man who from the outside may seem like he’s got all the advantages, but
who’s seen his world upended by economic, cultural, and technological change.
For white Americans, it means acknowledging that the effects of slavery and Jim
Crow didn’t suddenly vanish in the ‘60s; that when minority groups voice
discontent, they’re not just engaging in reverse racism or practicing political
correctness; that when they wage peaceful protest, they’re not demanding
special treatment, but the equal treatment our Founders promised.”
For the past eight years, we have
had a president who saw what was happening all over the country, who listened
to the voices of all kinds of people, and who could put his compassion into
words that we could understand. He challenged
us to be empathetic, and to put that empathy into action. I have serious doubts
that the next president will be capable of understanding others, of listening
to the voices of others, and will lack the ability to inspire us to work for a
common good.
So, that leaves much to us; much for
us to do for each other. Once our own oxygen mask is on, once we feel we are
emotionally and physically stable, we will be able to help others. And let me
stress right now: If you are not able,
on any given day or week or month, to be able to do anything else but take care
of you and yours, you get a pass. Like Elizabeth Carrier-Hall stated last week,
we have to allow ourselves to be, to be whole. We have to be honest about our limitations;
we have to be vulnerable, and have to be able to share our doubts. The rest of
us will help, will carry on, until you are able. Put on your own mask, secure
it. THEN, help others to be empathetic.
We can start with our children (and
with our not-so-young). Empathy is learned by repetition (and as we repeat the
importance of empathy, we reinforce it for ourselves—a win/win). As we saw
today, we have some pretty empathetic kids here, and I thank those of you who
have had a hand in that—parents, teachers, friends. When my kids were young,
they came home with stories about someone crying in class, about someone who
was mean to them for no reason. I would ask them questions like, “Why do you
think they were sad? Were they feeling sick? Do you think they were angry about
something, and got mad at you instead?” I really wanted them to consider the
other person’s point of view, to be empathetic. It was hard—really
hard—sometimes they made up with the other kid faster than I did!
We can do this with our friends too;
ask questions—challenge them to figure out “why?” I have a co-worker from
another country, and he often asks me, “Why?”—he asks me to explain the actions
of a government official. Often it’s frustrating to try to answer him, because
there is no good answer; I can’t figure out what another is thinking. But when
he asks, I am forced to consider. And it’s a good exercise. I cannot be flippant,
I cannot say, “They’re just crazy”. Because he truly wants to know, and I
really want to give him a good answer. I…we should also force ourselves to see, read,
understand another’s point of view. Ask
someone to explain to you why they feel the way they do. ASK—don’t assume you
know the answer. In order to empathize, we have to know.
And yes, we can encourage our
co-workers, our family members as they try (or don’t try) to be empathetic. You
can share stories that you find thought-provoking (it’s really easy to do on
Facebook—just click that button!). All of you could join a book group, and
challenge yourselves to move out of your comfort zone. And, GO TO MOVIES! I’m
not kidding. Take the whole family to see “Hidden Figures”—it’s powerful to
actually see lives, so unlike our own, in film. For every thousand words that
can be written, sometimes it’s the briefest of moments on the screen that can
have a greater impact. If you don’t believe me, perhaps Meryl Streep can
convince you. As she accepted the Cecil B. DeMille award at the Golden Globes
last Sunday, she said:
“An
actor’s only job is to enter the lives of people who are different from us, and
let you feel what that feels like … Tommy Lee Jones said to me, “Isn’t it such a
privilege, Meryl, just to be an actor?” Yeah, it is. And we have to remind each
other of the privilege and the responsibility of the act of empathy.”
Truth be told, this is already a very
empathetic group of people—I see it on Sundays, when hugs are freely given. I
hear it during the offertory, as coins fall to help “Change for Change”. And, I
am challenged to be empathetic during every sermon that is given here.
If you find yourself in need, if you
find others in need, make sure you let us know. I am certain we will be making
phone calls, and sending lots of e-mails to our government representatives in
the coming years. We already have been, and we will need to continue to do so.
Our country depends on it. As J. D.
Trout writes in Why Empathy Matters:
“Empathy
is central to our humanity. But rather than elevating empathy, public dialogue
has marginalized it, giving way to authoritative and sober pronouncements that
we can’t help everyone. But the truth is, government efforts have flagged. No
doubt, closing the empathy gap is a difficult task. We must balance the forces
of emotion and rationality…Together with empathy, our system of rational and
deliberate thought can now extend our moral concern to people further from our
private lives, but equally deserving.”
There is much work to be done. But
we can help each other. The coming days, months, years might be scary.
Sometimes it will seem like we’re going one step forward and two steps back. We
will need to be courageous and compassionate. One person cannot do it all, and
on any given day, we all cannot do it all. But every day, we can do something.
I would like to close with the words
of Martin Luther King, Jr., a man who knew much about all of this. In his Nobel
Peace Prize speech, he said this:
“I
refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history. I
refuse to accept the idea that the "isness" of man's present nature
makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal
"oughtness" that forever confronts him. I refuse to accept the idea
that man is mere flotsom and jetsom in the river of life, unable to influence
the unfolding events which surround him. I refuse to accept the view that
mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that
the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.”
Our challenge? Refuse to give up. To reach out. And to be kind.
