Quietly Thinking Out Loud

I had an interesting, mildly disturbing experience this morning, and as I am still thinking about it ten hours later, I thought I would share it with all y'all for your thoughts.
Or not--feel free to give this a pass.

This morning, I picked up the book drop from the parking lot of a local business. It's an awkward situation because of the way the book drop faces, and the idea is to get as close to the door of the box, so you don't have to move 20-30 lb crates too far to your car. Fortunately, there is ample room next to the drop box to pull a car in, park, and not block traffic or otherwise inconvenience other drivers (there is at least 20 feet in front of the box and 50 feet behind it, and while the pavement is painted yellow, you could pull in long enough to take a call or whatever, like pick up a drop box).

As I pulled up to the box this morning, I noticed a truck parked in front of the door to the box (probably 7-8 feet away). The truck's side was emblazoned with the name of the company and their logo). The truck was running, and a young man (probably around 20 yrs. old) was sitting in the driver's seat. I drove my car slowly up to the box, but found I could not pull in "normally" without blocking the truck from being able to pull away from the curb. Okay.....

I pulled as close as I could get to the box, but would still have to walk an extra 10-15 feet with each crate, which would be good exercise, but still inconvenient. I got out of my car, unpacked a crate, and headed over to the drop box; I did this so the driver of the truck would know I had a reason to be there, and so he could figure out just what my purpose was. I was hoping he would be finished with whatever he was doing and back out of my way, so my job would be more easy. I opened the box, took out the first load of items (which took me a while), and headed back to my car. I did this FOUR MORE TIMES. Each time, I looked up and could see the driver watching me--he was not on the phone, he was not doing anything but watching. He made no effort to move, just sat there.

With each trip I made, I got a little more annoyed. This truck could have parked anywhere, and yet he chose the most inconvenient spot. When they realized my reason for being there, I think most people would have made an effort to move...just a little. But he didn't.

By the time I was done, I was really annoyed. Maybe a little angry. I could have taken a photo of the truck, and posted it on Facebook, and made a big deal about this company and their clueless, discourteous staff, but I. Did. Not.

Instead, when I got to work, I called the company. I was told by a pleasant woman that I could talk to Gene, who was the "manager"--he had access to the GPS of every truck, could therefore see who had been parked there, and have a word with the driver.  GREAT!

I started to tell my story to Gene, who immediately interrupted me by asking if "I had asked the driver to move." Umm....no....I did not. As safe as that parking area appears, no Gene, I was not going to approach a stranger and ask them to move their vehicle. Maybe I should have done just that--what do all y'all think?

I wrapped up my side of the conversation quickly, pointing out that I had called just so their company was aware that one of their employees IN THEIR COMPANY TRUCK had been thoughtless, which could reflect badly on the company--perhaps Gene could have a word with the young man.

Gene replied, "I apologize." Not a heartfelt apology, but one that a three-year-old says to a sibling because they have to. Gene also said it would impossible to find out who was out there, because he would have to check the GPS for "20 trucks". I reiterated that I was just calling because this employee had not reflected well on the company--I went on to say that I could have easily taken a photo and posted it on social media, but I had not--I had decided to call the company directly. I want to point out that I did not raise my voice at all during our 10 minute conversation. Not once. I say this because of what happened next.

Gene replies, screaming, "GO AHEAD AND TELL THE WHOLE CITY WHAT A TERRIBLE COMPANY THIS IS. GO AHEAD. PUT IT OUT THERE ON SOCIAL MEDIA! I APOLOGIZED TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE YOU WANT ME TO DO. I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO TELL. EVERY. SINGLE. DRIVER. TO BE MORE CAREFUL OUT THERE. THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN WORKING 16 HOUR DAYS. HE WAS PROBABLY TIRED AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE YOU WERE THERE. HE WAS PROBABLY WAITING FOR ANOTHER CALL. IF I HAD BEEN OUT THERE, I WOULD HAVE GOT OUT AND HELPED YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY??????"

Wow.
I then had to talk a grown man "down" so he would stop screaming at me, and listen. Just hear the point I was making, which was to talk to the young man about being in a company truck and being so clueless about other people, other drivers, other human beings. I assured Gene that I didn't need any help doing my job, but doing my job was made more difficult by the inaction of his young employee. That was all. As Gene kept yelling, I told him I understood his job was probably difficult today, and I could completely understand the long hours his employees were working added to all that. Keeping my voice calm, I said...again....I just wanted to let Gene know, to be aware of a situation with an employee. Gene continued to yell (I get it, it was Monday morning), so in frustration, I asked Gene who the owner of the company was, thinking perhaps I could talk to them about their TWO less than polite employees.

Gene stopped yelling long enough to tell me that he...Gene....was the owner of the company.

Wow.
Gene finally stopped yelling at me. I do not pretend to know what he was thinking, but I have a pretty good idea. He was thinking I was wasting his time. He was probably thinking HE would have gone over and told the kid to move the truck (that's a privilege enjoyed by bigger, stronger, more male people than I am--I won't do it). I'm sure he thought, of all the things he had to deal with today, he had to listen to some...woman...yabber on about...nothing.

So, if you've read this far, I'm interested in getting your thoughts. Did I handle this correctly? Should I have just told the young man to move his truck? Am I overthinking all of this, and it's really not that important in the scheme of things, or is it something to dwell on a bit?

Because here's what I am left with, ten hours later:  If I am ever in a position to recommend this company to another person, I will not do it. But that's the little thing that's "poking at" me. The bigger thing, that has had me re-playing this all day is:  I was screamed at by the owner of a local company. That's never happened to me before. Maybe Gene was having a bad day--maybe he got bad news this morning, maybe he wasn't feeling well. Maybe he gambled all his money away at the casino this weekend, and has regrets. But Gene was also perfectly willing to yell at a complete stranger, putting that person in the position to "talk him down". I guess I was uncomfortable being that person, but on the other hand, plenty of people have "talked me down" over the years, but they haven't been complete strangers. And I have sincerely apologized afterwards. I guess I hope that, when Gene thinks back over his day today, he will decide...perhaps...that tomorrow, he will try to listen better to another human being. I do hope so, for the sake of his company, and for his sake. And, for OUR sake. We, fellow citizens of this community, and this world. We have to do better.

 

The Quandary of Kindness

Today, I did a church service. These are my remarks:


"I want to thank the Worship Committee for asking me to speak today, and I want to thank you for being here—in person or “virtually”—to help me figure some things out.

            For me, the topic of “kindness” is so…well…all-encompassing…and yet important to consider, to reflect upon…for the very survival of human beings (I think I have some experts to back me up on that!).

           

Let’s start with a definition. I liked this definition of kindness from The Urban Dictionary: “Kindness is doing something and not expecting anything in return. Kindness is respect and helping others without waiting for someone to help one back. It implies kindness no matter what.”

            I have a confession. I chose the topic, “the quandary of kindness”, because I struggle with kindness…being kind…more than almost anything. I understand what it means to be kind, I understand the importance of kindness, but to BE KIND? I’m not.

            Oh, I WANT to be kind. Some days, I say, over and over, “BE KIND. BE KIND.” And then….I’m not. In fact, I find myself being (From WordHippo):  the opposite of “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate”—I am:

Callous, heartless, resentful, mean, unfeeling, unkind, intolerant, apathetic, bitter, harsh, hostile, indifferent, and/or selfish and thoughtless!

            Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever find that kindness is preach-able, but not always practice-able? If so, you’re in the right place this morning!

            I work in a public, serve-others job. Sometimes, it just takes one thoughtless patron to ruin my whole day—and every other patron will pay the price, and will justifiably go away thinking I was just a rude so and so. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I pay unkindness forward with unkindness. In doing that, I realize, much too late, that I may have ruined someone else’s day. And my greatest fear? My greatest fear is that someone will think I’m rude because I’m racially prejudice, or have some ethnic bias toward them, when really I just hate everyone at that moment.

            At the moment of my failure to be kind, I am horrified that I have escalated, that I have enabled unkindness to permeate my neighborhood, my community, our world. I feel like a failure because I know I cannot get that moment back. I can only pledge to do better next time.

But HOW do I do better “next time”???

When doing research for this sermon, I came across something by Dr. Karyn Hall that made a lot of sense. She writes,

“Kindness starts with yourself. Kindness starts at home. It…means treating yourself as you would anyone else you care about. We usually talk about and hear about kindness in relation other people, but kindness towards yourself is just as important. You might have heard the sentiment you can’t love other people until you can love yourself. While I don’t believe this is 100% true, I think how you treat and talk to yourself becomes the foundation from which you approach your other relationships. So kindness isn’t just about how you treat other people, it’s about extending the same intentions and behaviors to ourselves too.

After treating yourself with kindness, I’ve learned it’s important to force yourself to take a step back and really look at the other person; see them. I know our lives are rushed, but most of the time it’s worth taking that moment. As Dr. Hall goes on to say,

“Empathy is the ability to understand someone else’s situation, experience, feelings, and behaviors, and it’s the foundation of this concern. If you want to be generous towards or help someone, first you need to understand where they are and what they’re dealing with—the good and the bad. Even if you don’t agree with someone’s choices or behaviors and you decide not to enable them going forward, you can still empathize with them.”

So, recognize someone else is having a bad day. When my kids were younger, and another kid was mean or hateful toward them (a kid who was otherwise a friend), I would ask them if there might be something going on in that other kid’s life, that might make them react that way? Even though I did that with them, I find it so hard to do in my own life.

One expert I consulted when preparing for today was His Holiness the Dalai Lama. His thoughts?

            “In order to achieve peace, tranquility, and real friendship, we must minimize anger and cultivate kindness and a warm heart. As we become nicer human beings, our neighbors, friends, parents, spouses, and children will experience less anger, prompting them to become more warm-hearted, compassionate, and harmonious…This is the way to change the world.”

Remember when I said I was so worried that my unkindness, my thoughtlessness might be misconstrued as racism or xenophobia when really at that moment I hated everyone? It’s a real concern of mine. I don’t want to be in a situation where another person thinks I am being unkind because I have pre-judged them and automatically hate them. Sadly, that’s often how and why humans are unkind to each other. Please don’t be that person. If you feel unkind toward another, force yourself to ask, “why?”. Constantly hold yourself to a higher standard—educate yourself about “the other” and what their existence on this planet must be like. Stop unkindness before it multiples into hatred. It’s a constant, on-going struggle that takes time and awareness to constantly question your interactions with others. I fear that most people take the easy way out, and persist in their unchecked prejudices and micro aggressions.

 And while you’re at it, take a moment to think about how you RECEIVE the kindness of others. Have we become so cynical that we question the motives of kindness? Of generosity?  Do you pre-judge motives? If you are being honest, truly honest with yourself, you answer “yes” to that question. Think about how you felt when Faith Church announced it was building a community center in the North End—did you question their motives? How about when you hear this recent story about Jewish worshipers approaching their synagogue and seeing several strangers standing at the entrance. When questioned, the strangers indicated they were Muslims and wanted to stand guard to protect the Jews as they prayed. Did you pre-judge that act of kindness? Why or why not?

Fortunately, there is help as you attempt to look at yourself with a critical eye. Author Sally Kohn, in her book The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity wrote about the IAT survey you can take at Project Implicit:  Implicit Association Test. This on-line test was developed by psychologists Anthony Greenwald and Mahzarin Banaji in 1998. As Malcolm Gladwell explains, “The idea at the core of the IAT is that the speed with which we make these unconscious associations can be measured, and then compared, to determine relative bias. The IAT is more than just an abstract measure of attitudes. It’s a powerful predicator of how we act in certain kinds of spontaneous situations.”

So, to repeat: go to: implicit.harvard.edu

You can take as many or as few tests as you want, no charge. The results are eye-opening! I found that I have a bias against people of the Christian faith. Which is odd, since I know many, many good people who are Christians, but I guess, for me, a few bad apples have made me pre-judge the motives of Christians. And, since not all Christians are the same, I was a little chagrined by the results of the test, because I have been personally treated better by the one of the most “conservative” Christian pastors in our community…by far…than I have been by one of the most liberal Episcopal priests in our community. But that’s a story best left for another time.

At this point, you may be wondering why…WHY I am taking the time to talk about the importance of kindness? Isn’t it just a “duh”? As in, duh, of course we should be kind. I mean, Kurt Vonnegut covered it quite succinctly in God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater when he wrote:  “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies--"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”

            Well, I think I began thinking about this when I saw the cover of Sally Kohn’s book The Opposite of Hate:  A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity”. I was intrigued by the basic question, “What IS the opposite of hate?” I thought, it could be love…it could be kindness…it could be something else. So, I read the book. And I did some more thinking; thinking about how we got to where we are in 2019; a place that feels to me that it’s a very short step from unkindness to incivility to hatred to our loss of humanity. Maybe we are already there? As Kohn writes, “We think we’re good people, but we don’t see how that sphere of moral concern is constricted  by hate, by the history and habits and culture of who matters and who doesn’t in our society, which we have all bought into, whether we mean to or not. So we shake our heads about excessive corporate greed and we shake our fists against neo-Nazis marching in the streets, but not enough of us admit that they’re reflections of the society we’ve all created, let alone acknowledge that they’re reflections of ourselves.”

I might add to this statement: why is it so easy to be outraged, to the point of demanding immediate boycott of a dairy, demanding it’s closed down right away because we watched a video of calves being abused, and yet we cannot even muster a tenth of that compassion, anger, indignity, and action for the immigrants coming into our country, only to be separated from their children, who are then warehoused, abused, neglected? How is that possible? As a society, we are so quick to be kind to animals, and so moved by their suffering, and at the same time, turn away from a fellow human being? It’s easy when you have stopped looking at the human being in front of you, and allowed yourself to fall into the easy group-think of a group you admire and are proud to be a part of—your “tribe”. As Kohn states, “Remember that while tribalism may be inherent in human beings, the way those “tribes” are shaped—and how they are set against other groups—often stems from the purposeful, political manipulation of tribalism.”

            Tribalism at its’ ugliest can be seen over and over in history, in:

·         Nazi Germany

·         Korea

·         Rwanda

·         Ironically, Israel—when dealing with Palestinians

·         Bosnia and Herzegovina

·         America, in our treatment of Native Americans

·         Myanmar

To prevent history from repeating itself, we have to learn, to understand how it happened and why it happened. We have to hold ourselves accountable, and to hold each other accountable.  As Kohn writes, “We must foster group bonds not by imposing a homogenous identity on everyone but by building a sense of shared humanity that not only respects but actively appreciates everyone’s differences, especially because those differences help us resist dangerous group-think banisters.”

Being kind? That’s the first step to that much greater human connection. Hold open that door, pick up the item they dropped, let them go ahead of you in line with their two items, pay for that car behind you at Culvers, call and write your representatives about an issue that does not immediately affect your family, protest. VOTE. All are acts of kindness.

Kindness opens that door for us. We have to talk to each other, we have to listen to each other. We have to see each other. We have to connect. Kohn writes:  “Rather, the question is how we as people and as societies help make habits out of independent thinking—how we can use the spaces in which we come together, from schools to churches to nations, to simultaneously understand how we’re all connected to each other and at the same time learn how to think independently. That’s a tall order.” Remember the book from Time for All Ages? One person took a “situation” and turned it into a parade. Because a neighbor was kind and not defensive, the whole world found, ultimately, a way to connect. Who knows? Maybe someday you too can connect with that kindness kazoo of yours!

I understand we are busy. We are overwhelmed by the pace of life, and sometimes it’s easier to choose to be unkind, indifferent, and apathetic. But I want to share one last thing from Sally Kohn’s book. It’s a chapter that has really stuck with ME, and helped me re-focus on those days I am unkind. To give some context, Sally Kohn is a columnist and CNN political contributor. Before going to CNN, she worked at Fox. She’s also a lesbian, a mom, and someone I met at a political protest in Washington D.C. 

[Here I read from the chapter titled, "Why We Hate:  The Trolls"]

Sally Kohn reached out to her TROLLS. Not for spite, but to understand. How did she do it? She started with basic human kindness as a way to connect. My acts of kindness, my ways to connect will take far less effort and courage than Kohn’s did.

Our time here on earth is limited. We need to leave this world a better place.

So, take time to notice that, as Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, “We too are full of so many things and yet empty of a separate self. Like the flower, we contain earth, water, air, and sunlight, and warmth. We contain space and consciousness. We contain our ancestors, our parents and grandparents, education, food, and culture. The whole cosmos has come together to create the wonderful manifestation that we are. If we remove any of these “non-us” elements, we will find there is no “us” left.”

We…each of us…are separate and unique HUMANS; different now than we were a moment ago. Be kind. To yourself, and then to others.

Thank you."