Irreplaceable

 

The first word that came to mind upon reading the first post about my friend Karen's death? Irreplaceable.

 Karen is absolutely and utterly irreplaceable. 

Irreplaceable:  "too special, unusual, or valuable to replace with something or someone else."

For me, Karen is THE definition of "irreplaceable".

You may callously say (because you didn't know her, or only knew one part of her) that I'm just saying that because Karen was my friend. You are wrong. Yes, she was my friend, my colleague, my mentor, my oh-so-many-things. But, she is also irreplaceable.

In today's world, we often hear, "I'm too busy," or "I don't have the bandwidth for one more thing". I never, ever heard Karen say that. Never. And she could have said that, and many of us would have agreed with her, because she WAS busy. 

Busy raising two bright, engaging, and energetic children to be good, caring, wonderful adults. Busy being the best grandmother. Busy being the absolute best spouse to Jon (they were a couple many of us aspired to be), especially in his last years, when he had cancer. For over forty years, they each enabled the other one to serve this community well. There are few facets of this community that did not have a Fricker or a Springer serving it. 

Busy teaching Jacki Sorensen Aerobic Dance for years and years--right up until the moment of her aneurysm. Thank goodness she was teaching via Zoom, and her students could get help to her right away. She will be irreplaceable to her dance students.

Busy taking notes in classes for students at Purdue who needed help with that part of their education (can you imagine sitting through semester after semester of college classes again?! Karen did it, took fantastic notes, and helped students pass their classes, and ultimately, graduate). She would be irreplaceable to the students she helped.

Are YOU overwhelmed yet? Because for Karen, that was just an ordinary START to her day. 

Karen also did choreography for years for musicals in the local elementary schools--even when her kids were not a part of said musical programs. Can you honestly say you would do the same thing? Honestly? If your kid was not involved? Karen would...and did.

Karen was the music booster for the WL School Corporation--again, long after her children had graduated, she was still involved. She organized the annual Ice Cream Social each summer, sold flowers at every high school musical and band and orchestra performance. She attended so many performances in the high school auditorium, they should name a bank of seats for her. Not kidding. They should. I cannot think that the Music Boosters will be able to replace Karen with just one person.

 Karen served on the WL Park Board for 20 years. That means monthly meetings, annual picnics, ribbon cuttings, etc. Oh yeah, Karen was president of the Board more than one time. Irreplaceable.

Karen was on the organizing committee for Global Fest for years too. Global Fest is one of the premier events in our community, and Karen was responsible for the Naturalization Ceremony that "kicks off" Global Fest each year. She also was in charge of food vendors for years. And some years, Karen was just in charge of the entire two-day event. You think the Global Fest committee will be able to replace Karen with just one person? In these days, when people are slow to volunteer? Nope. Irreplaceable.

Have you "filled your bandwidth" yet, just thinking about what Karen's days must have been like?

Then let's talk about Karen's time on the School Board. She was on the Board for 24 years, and was named the Indiana "Outstanding Board Member" in 2022. In 24 years, Karen missed just FOUR meetings. In addition to the monthly meetings, there are annual State School Board Conferences, local meetings with other school boards, District School Board meetings, committee meetings, Executive Sessions, and also just the preparation for the monthly meetings--if you are president of the Board, as Karen was multiple times, there are extra meetings with the superintendent, and the gathering of material for Board packets for the monthly meetings. It's truly a part-time job in the best of times. In the hardest of times, like when preparing for a local referendum or firing a superintendent (more about that later), it's a job that is all-consuming. And Karen did that job--willingly--for 24 YEARS. There will never be another Board member like Karen. She is irreplaceable.

I met Karen at some point when our first-born were little, because they're the same age. In 1999, after growing frustration with the local school board, I decided to run. Karen had already been on the board for four years, and not only encouraged me to run, but became my mentor for all things I needed to do to campaign for office. Surprisingly, I was elected by 43 votes, and Karen then became my mentor for the office of School Board Trustee. The photo above was taken after my first School Board meeting, and the face I am making is partially in jest, and partly because I was slowly realizing the magnitude of knowledge I DIDN'T have about my new job. It's so easy to be the person criticizing from the outside, with no knowledge of what's truly involved in that elected office. Karen never laughed at my ignorance, only encouraged me to attend every training session, every conference, and to READ and educate myself before every meeting. As I watched her out in the community, I realized to be a good Board member, I needed to be out there too--at athletic events, musical events, parent council meetings, and in the schools (when invited). I also learned the limits of my role on the Board--gosh, I cannot fathom of the number of times that Karen would have gently "held me back", reminding me that XXXX was not the responsibility of the Board. That one was hard for me, and thankfully, Karen was right there. 

In 2003-2004, our corporation faced a tough challenge:  we had to decide whether, and how, to fire our superintendent. Karen was the Board president, and I was the Vice-President. I mentioned earlier that Karen took notes for students, but I didn't mention how utterly meticulous those notes were. As a Board member, I saw first-hand how thorough, accurate, and intelligent Karen's notes were. [Many people have said to me that Karen was so quiet and reserved, how could she possibly be someone they could vote for for public office? I would always counter that Karen was thoughtful and chose her words carefully, and if she spoke, it was with great knowledge of law and Board policy and precedent--they'd better listen!]. In the time leading up to the dismissal of the superintendent, we held countless meetings with administrators, lawyers, mediators, and state Association staff. We went through three long nights of hearings with the superintendent and her lawyers. Karen took pages and pages of copious notes. PAGES.Then she went home every night and studied them, taking more notes and making up more sets of questions for our lawyers. This whole affair went on for weeks, during our re-election campaigns (and forums and canvassing and...), and still Karen diligently did her job as Board president AND mother AND wife AND dance instructor AND volunteer AND....   In the end, the superintendent was fired, but that wasn't the end. The entire School Board and Corporation were sued by the former superintendent--all the way up to the federal Circuit Court level. At each legal level, the former superintendent lost. I have to believe if not for Karen and her rock-solid leadership, knowledge, expertise, and note-taking, the Corporation would have lost the case, AND millions of dollars. In the end, Karen and I lost our re-election bids, thus the two-year gap in Karen's Board service. Yes, despite all the ugliness that surrounds every election, Karen decided she still wanted to serve the children of this community the best way she knew how. And she did it faithfully, graciously, and selflessly, for another nearly 18 years. She is irreplaceable. 

Karen is an irreplaceable part of my life. How do you replace someone who gave so much to the local community--who made this place I live a better place? How do you replace someone who gave so much of herself to my kids, and to kids we all know and care about? How do you replace someone in your life who was the epitome of "public servant", and made you want to be a better person? How do you replace someone who gave so much of herself to you? How do you replace someone who remembers, and experienced, an important time of your life, and can reminisce and laugh as only one of seven people can do? Karen came the night before her stroke to be with us to eat pizza, to cheer on our favorite team, to tell me about her grandchildren (and show me pictures) and children--how can she ever be replaced?

Karen can never be replaced. She will be a reminder to me, and to others, of the power one person giving of themselves to others. Karen will always have a special place in my heart--I will carry her with me forever. Special and valuable. Irreplaceable.

How?

How do you begin to talk about someone who profoundly changed your life the very moment you met? Someone who changed the way you viewed the world...forever? How do you pay proper tribute to someone who made you a better person, even though you saw them so infrequently that years would pass before you saw each other again?

How?

I will apologize in advance to my family--my memories are hazy, and I may get things wrong; for that, I am sorry. I don't want to come off as glib or clichéd, nor do I want to make this about me. Because this is all about Marcela, my step-sister.

Marcela was born in 1950. I met her when she was about 18 years old; on Easter 1969. My guess is my mom and Marcela's dad were going to get married that year, so it was time to introduce Marcela to my family (I had already met my soon-to-be stepbrothers). My mom tried to explain to me that Marcela was different, but my nine-year-old mind could not understand fully the explanation; I had never met anyone like Marcela. 

The very moment Marcela wrapped me in the biggest hug of my life so far, my world view and my sense of morality changed. Before this, I had never known someone with an intellectual disability; certainly had never been embraced by anyone "like that". I guess my life had been pretty sheltered so far, except I didn't know that. I mean, how can you even fathom something you've never encountered? When I met Marcela, knew she was going to be a member of my family, something in my young mind opened up, and I realized that I needed to give Marcela a lot of understanding and as much kindness as I could muster. I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't ready for any of that on that Easter--I escaped to a friend's house. 

I am grateful to my mom for her understanding and patience with me. She explained that Marcela had been a healthy child, but had run an extremely high fever (I guess above 108 degrees) at some point, and had suffered brain damage. As my mom said, "Marcela will always be about 6 or 7 years old". Marcela lived in the Woodward State Hospital at the time, but could join us for holidays. The second time Marcela visited, I was a bit more prepared, and stayed around to get to know her. At the end of Marcela's visit, my mom asked me if I wanted to ride back to Woodward with them. Sure--I could to that. Little did I know that again, my world view would be profoundly altered forever. 

As we drove up the drive to Marcela's dormitory, Marcela became increasingly upset--she asked if she could come home with us, telling us she didn't want to go back. Soon, I understood why. I noticed the noise first--lots of shouts, squeals, talking. Marcela's demeanor had changed the moment she walked into the building--she was calm and in control--like she knew what she had to do. Two or three young women came to welcome Marcela "home"; at least two of them had Down's Syndrome (my guess is the hospital was divided by disabilities and mental state), and I didn't understand all that they were saying, but they were gentle and welcoming to us. We followed Marcela into an enormous open room filled with beds. Beside each bed was a chest of drawers and a metal locker. She showed us her bed, and finally smiled as she picked up "her dolly" and hugged it. When we left that day, I was so very grateful that I could leave, and troubled that there was a place like that; troubled that we needed places like Woodward. "Out of sight, out of mind" for most of society, and yet a lifesaver to parents who did not have the resources to care for their children at home. This was WAY before the ADA, and these humans had their basic needs covered, no more.

It was heartbreaking every time we took Marcela back to Woodward, but there were no other alternatives at the time. Our family was extremely grateful when the state of Iowa opened "group homes"--places more homelike, with dedicated and kind staff to watch over the young adults in their care. Marcela was so much happier, and lived most of the rest of her adult life in the same home--her home. At the group home, Marcela learned life skills, could hold a job (sometimes (like all of us) she didn't like her job and had to be prodded to go), went out shopping or to movies, and had a good life with her family and her "family" in the group home. A few times, she even asked to go back early to the group home--she didn't want to miss anything! 

When I went to college, I saw Marcela less and less. My mom would let me know how she was doing, and I must say I was amazed that Marcela flew by herself to visit my parents in their retirement home in Arizona--multiple times! Marcela thrived, and I'm grateful she had a good life. She always remembered who I was, no matter how many years had gone by, and I was always the recipient of that biggest hug. I think Marcela liked me best when I would bring my baby children to visit. You see, Marcela's job in Woodward had been to take care of the babies, and she never lost those skills, nor that love of babies. I knew my kids were in good hands with Marcela.

Marcela died this week. She outlived her parents, but my stepbrothers took such good care of her in her final years. I know that wasn't easy--Marcela could be soooo stubborn, and when you add to that her mental challenges, her care took a certain..."finesse". Many, many thanks to them, and to their wives!

Marcela liked jigsaw puzzles, M & Ms, babies, and soda pop. She was an acute observer of all that went on when she was home, and loved to talk about anything that caught her eye (sometimes repeating the same thing a lot--we all learned to be patient, which is a great skill to have). She enjoyed food, and the life she had. 

Marcela made this world a better place. She made me a better person, profoundly changing my view of the world. Had it not been for Marcela, I would not likely remember every single time I vote, or I use my voice for protest, or write my government officials, that I speak for those who have no voice. I act for those who cannot. I am aware that there are those of us on this planet who are "different", who are locked away, who are "out of sight, out of mind". And my actions as a human being, should be done with them IN MIND. Always.

Thank you, Marcela, for being my teacher.