I'll admit it. I don't always fill up with the holiday spirit right away. When the kids were younger, it was easy, because they were so excited about birthdays (yes, due to poor planning on THEIR part (they were the ones to decide to arrive two weeks past their due dates), they have December birthdays) and Christmas. It was fun, although nerve-wracking, to shop for the one toy they had to have, while picturing their faces on Christmas morning. I always tried to shop early enough, so that those perfect toys were still in stock. One year I stood in line, at midnight, with all these Purdue student geeks for a game system, and it was fun. But it's harder now to get truly excited about the presents I'm buying for them--part of it is that they don't want toys any more (what can I say? I'm a kid at heart), and part of it is that I do a lot of shopping on-line, instead of hitting the mall. Quite frankly, I would rather shave my head and sing Brittany Spears songs than have to go to the mall at this time of year.
Some years, I'm ready for Christmas carols right after Thanksgiving dinner, and I drive the family crazy by playing them for over a month. We nearly always put up the tree right after Thanksgiving, and some years, I just can't wait to see all the ornaments as they come out of their boxes. I'm excited about hiding the spider ornaments on the tree, and I'm happy to see all the handmade ornaments produced by the kids over the years. Some years, I get excited at the prospect of writing a holiday letter to family and friends, and I look forward to the letters we receive as well. Some years, it's Cookie Weekend that gets me in the spirit--being together with family reminds me how wonderful the holidays can be. Some years, my holiday cheer arrives with the first snow fall, particularly when it coincides with the first of December. One year, my holiday cheer arrived with my newborn son, but I'll talk more about that next Friday. A couple of years, my holiday spirit came to me as I was reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" to some Kindergarten and 1st grade students.
This year, my holiday spirit has been slow to arrive. Don't get me wrong--I enjoyed watching the kids put up the tree, I had a great time at Thanksgiving, and loved, LOVED Cookie Weekend. But I just haven't felt the spirit. We have dealt with a lot of death this autumn, and I think that has cast a pall over the season. The loss of Karen's dad reminded me of losing my dad 23 years ago, and some unresolved feelings have surfaced--I am mourning his loss a little more than I have in years past. My dad loved Christmas, and to lose him just 10 days before his favorite holiday just seemed extra wrong. I had also just given birth to his first grandchild, overseas, 10 days before he died, and was not able to attend his funeral---that was wrong too, in so many ways. But I digress.
This year, it was a simple act that brought the spirit of the season to me. Last Friday, a bunch of librarians and I got together to bake and decorate cookies for the local women's shelter. As I sat there, frosting cookie after cookie, I thought about the moms and the kids who might get that particular snowman, mitten, or reindeer. I thought about how hard their lives might be at that moment, and I hoped, selfishly, that my cookie would make them smile and forget the bad stuff for a minute. Suddenly my heart felt lighter and I started to hum along with the crazy Christmas carols that Blythe had put on the CD player.
It's hokey but true: my wish is that you too find those little moments to give the holiday season meaning. May your days be merry and light. And may all your Christmases (or Solstices or Hanukkas or Yules or New Years) be bright.
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